How to Work from Home During the Apocalypse

Okay, full disclosure, I wrote this back in March when we were all supposed to be going on a brief lockdown for three weeks. It’s now December — Fuck!?! This has been the slowest yet fastest year of my life. Anyways, if you didn’t vote for Trump or don’t currently live in Florida, then I assume you’ve been following the CDC guidelines and staying at home (like I have) so I thought I would share this again. Also, I want to start by stating that I am not a doctor, or scientist, or even a person that finished one semester at a community college. However, I am kind of an expert on self-isolation. I make my living as a touring stand-up comedian and I have spent more than seventy percent of my life locked away alone in a hotel room or comedy condo which I think makes me the perfect person to help you stay sane during the rest of lockdown.

Here we go, I hope it helps!

SET A BEDTIME AND STICK TO IT.

I know it might feel like time means nothing right now and that things are kind of in a free fall. That’s why setting up a nightly bedtime is so important, especially if you battle with depression. It gives time a value again. Try and go to bed early so you can be awake and ready to start your day around the time the sun comes up. Try not to nap while the sun is out either. You want to be awake and able to soak up as much of the energy from the sun as you can. It’s tough to be up after dark with nowhere to go and no one to meet up with. Besides, what’s the point of staying up till 3 A.M. if Taco Bell is closed?

STAY ACTIVE.

It’s easy to sleep in, too easy. Especially when you can throw on your sweat pants and have a ‘Lazy Sunday’ every day. That’s why it’s important to make sure you are making time to be active in your schedule. Every morning I’ve been getting up and running two miles around the neighborhood with my girlfriend and her dog and I fucking hate it. I despise running. I enjoy spending a little extra time with my lady (duh). I like working out (sometimes) and I love riding my bicycle. However, I fucking HATE running. But it’s a twofer — it keeps me active and it gets me outside first thing in the morning. Exposing yourself to those early morning sun rays will change how you feel for the rest of the day.

In fact, a recent study in 2019 found that exposure to morning sunlight makes you more alert. It also leads to better sleep, which can have a cascade effect on your mood the next day.

SET A SCHEDULE.

Avoid that free-fall feeling by having daily activities planned. A daily routine or schedule is worth its weight in gold during a time like this. Again, I know it’s easy to treat this quarantine like a mini-vacation but it’s important to remember that it’s not. Look, not to get all philosophical on you but all we have in this fucked up world is time and we have a very limited supply of it so don’t waste it. Utilize this ‘time off’ to continue to work towards the goals you have set for yourself. This is the perfect time to fire up that passion project you’ve been daydreaming about at your real job.

SHOWER.

I know this one sounds like a no-brainer but if you know you’re not going anywhere and you aren’t expecting anyone to come over then what’s the point in adding soap and water to this hellscape scenario, right? Wrong! The goal is to keep things as normal as possible and that includes daily hygiene. This also includes clean clothes, brushing your teeth, makeup (if you wear it), and combing your hair. Trust me, it’ll wake you up, make you feel good, and prepare you for the day.

STAY CONNECTED.

Just because you are stuck in lockdown doesn’t mean you have to be alone. Set up a time to video chat with a close friend or family member. There are tons of apps out there where you can connect 4–6 people on one video chat now. Start a book blub. I know, I know… Okay, fine. Set a time to start binge-watching a show together via Facetime. Conversations and connecting with other people during this time is fucking crucial. It gives you a chance to get out of your head without getting out of your house.

MAKE YOUR BED.

This is an old trick that goes with fighting depression. At some point during this lockdown, you might find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Don’t panic. Break your big do list up into smaller tasks that you can check off throughout your day. An easy one is to make your bed. It’s a tiny task that will jump-start your day with accomplishing SOMETHING on those mornings that it feels like you can’t accomplish ANYTHING.

TURN THAT OFF!

Plan a few hours every afternoon to turn your phone to airplane mode. If you don’t, you will end up scrolling your whole day away. There are too many time-suck apps out there to keep your phone active all day. Turn it on airplane mode and go put it on its charger somewhere. Imagine how peaceful it would be to have an entire afternoon without hearing a new notification ding every three mins. I’m drooling already. Turn your TV off, too. You don’t need to have “The Office” playing in the background to feel like you’re back at work.

If you’re having trouble with this one, Buzzfeed did a great article on “how to break up with your phone” → https://www.buzzfeed.com/carolynkylstra/cell-phone-detox

PUT THAT AWAY!

The two biggest temptations you’re going to have while you’re cooped up is snacking and masturbating. We are all adults here, let’s not act like you haven’t already stopped halfway through reading this and either ate something you shouldn’t have or touched yourself. The struggle is real. You are going to have to set limits for yourself and enforce them with some Jedi level self-control. It’s okay to have a snack, just be sure that you’re eating because you’re actually hungry and not just because you’re bored or really fucking bored. It’s going to be even harder not to take a break every six minutes to ‘release some tension.’ Allow yourself a binge day towards the beginning. Eat whatever and however much the fuck you want that first day. Masturbate like you’re a death row prisoner. By day two, the last thing you’re going to be thinking about is sex and candy.

Also, if you’re a drinker or a toker make sure you are setting strict limits on those activities as well. Getting drunk or high by noon is only acceptable if you’re a comedian. ;-)

I hope these tips and tricks help you make it through the rest of the lockdown.

Stay Healthy. Stay Safe. Stay Home.